*First and foremost, this is not a pro-life or pro-choice post. Nor will comments about your beliefs delivered in a disrespectful way be tolerated.
Now, on to the thoughts. You know I’m a verbal processor. Yet this isn’t probably what you expected on the topic.
I’ve been noticing myself feeling a bit wonky lately. I mean true we are moving, trying to sell our house, etc. But this has been a deeper wonky.
Like everyone else the news about the new NY abortion law has caught my attention and flooded the news outlets and social media feeds. Now I am a human with neonatal intensive care nursing experience with my own right to how I feel about that topic but that won’t be discussed here or with my closest friends even.
This is about the sadness and grief that settled deep into my belly. Why you might ask? Triggers from things you didnt expect but make total sense. The best way I can explain it is this. I’m seeing hundreds of post about this law. Being in the deep South most of them are pro-life. A baby is a baby before it’s born.
And yet when a baby is lost before birth due to “natural causes” the world around you does not treat you with the depth of compassion and care that they would if you baby had been born living and then died. And that disparity blows my mind. It that was the case that I had birthed a live baby and lost her I would have been expected and encouraged to take as much time (up to 12 weeks thanks to the FMLA) as I needed. But instead I went back to work within a week. To this day that fact baffles me. At the time it just seemed like I was expected to be back at work.
I am not saying the entire world was not helpful or healing. But for the most part the argument for a baby is a baby in utero to experiencing a miscarriage and how insanely hurtful some people can be afterwards there is a huge disconnect. And I’m hoping I help change the dialogue and the support for grieving parents.
I wonder had a taken a little more time to heal my heart shattered into a thousand pieces over our baby girl before I returned to nurse other people’s broken but living babies and hearts…might I still be a NlCU nurse? Might I feel a little more whole almost two years out? Might I have a different perspective and experience?
So you see to have the world go up in arms about a baby being or not being a human baby in utero is something that draws out and highlights some very hard things. The world shouts a baby is a baby and yet I was told I could go back to work 24 hours after my D&C. Less than 48 hours after it was confirmed that indeed life AND death had been held within my body and passed through me. Death is always a sad thing even when you know the person will no longer suffer but as a mama to a baby that was miscarried had your child die before birth, you LITERALLY have created life inside your body and held death inside of you. Every fabric of your being.
Reading the above you will say well she is saying her baby died in utero so she must be pro-life. I’m not saying what I do or don’t believe. I do want to lay this out there, as well.
On the other hand pro-choice post can make me feel like all my pain and grief and hurt has been devauled in a split second.
To the Mamas that by choice or necessity had to terminate a pregnancy. I see you too. And I carry your heart and pain with me. You are seen and known and loved, irregardless of what the past holds. You most likely live with regret, pain and shame. Maybe not necessarily because that is how you feel but because that is how society has made you feel. You and your baby is still seen, valued and loved.
If you dont know much about our girl you can read more under #1in4. But I will highlight the portion that I feel is relavant.
On February 28, 2017 I got this erie feeling. I was 13 weeks. We were supposed to be in the safe zone though as a nurse you know that to be a lie, there is no safe zone. Safer maybe but not safe. I tried to doppler her heart beat with my at home doppler as most all NICU nurses have but probably shouldn’t. I couldnt find it. I panicked and yet I knew. Even though I trirf to talk myself out of it, I knew our girl was gone. I experienced death within my body and soul. The next day I received a call from our doctor. The genetics came back and our girl was unwell. She would most likely die in utero but if we did make it to birth she would not live more than a few hours. I never had to make a choice about termination or my health versus hers because when we arrived that the hospital ultrasound confirmed she already had her wings and was rejoicing with the angels. No doubt being held by all of our dear loved ones. On the trails of Flatwoods, by her Sants looking Great Grandfather and walking the shores of Hunting.
No doubt had she still been alive on that dreadful Wednesday afternoon, we would have been asked and encouraged to terminate. I remember riding to the hospital next to my husband. He had rushed home from work to be with me after the phone call that changed the course of our life forever. I remember praying, let my baby be ok, let them be healthy but please Lord dont make me chose what to do if she is not well. Let it be done, let it be decided. In a way I feel so guilty and selfish like I wished her away from us. But yet I could not fathom having to decide.
So whether or not your baby was “miscarried” or you had to make the most difficult desicion in the world. I know these news lines and social media walls can prove to be a minefield of triggers. I hope you know you are loved and you are not alone.
If you want to learn more about how you can be a better help to those grieving tbe loss of a baby/pregnancy around you please stay tuned thats something I am working on.
In love and peace.
xoxoxo
A year and a day we have survived and lived through the most painful year of our lives. This post has been sitting in my draft box for a long time. It took even longer to write it. Just over a year exactly. One may wonder why I wanted to write it, well because tucked inside the darkest, hardest days of our lives are little treasures that I never want to forget. And in order to truly remember the treasures that they are you have to remember the dark days that they came packaged within. In addition, writing it down and out of my head reduces the demon powers. I also truly believe you can find an entirely new level of joy and light only after your experience the hardest, lowest, most painful level of darkness. This is a 
Merry Christmas to you and yours. 
The Barefoot Mermaid 